The day is rapidly approaching that will mark nineteen years since I entered my particular Valley of the Shadow of Death. On April 26, 2006 after a six-month battle with pancreatic cancer, my Beloved went home to be with the Lord.

 

 

Suffice it to say, I had experienced loss—my grandmother, my brother, my father—, but none that would rock my world like losing my husband: my provider, my protector, my comforter, and my supporter.  I definitely found myself in uncharted waters, in danger of drowning completely with a grief I had never known. 

 

 I wasn’t sure I would make it, but 19 years later, here I am. Not because of my own strength or wisdom, but because of the truth of Psalm 23:4.  “Thou art with me.” The Lord never left my side.  “Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” A shepherd’s rod is used to protect, guide and correct.   His staff provides support, comfort, reassurance, and at times, rescue.  God has faithfully supplied ALL of these things for me.  All I have needed, his hand hath provided. 

 

Deep grief is something you never really get over, but with the Lord’s help, you can get through it.  God has taught me some things about traveling through this Valley, and I would like to share three of them. 

 

 

Grief takes TIME.  

In our point-and-click world of instant gratification, we are not really accustomed to things taking time.  

Grief recovery is NOT instant.

It takes time to process your thoughts, to reframe your identity, and your approach to life. You are not issued a neat little package with instructions to reprogram yourself and your family.  Especially when someone is so integral to your life, it is difficult to find yourself.  I often say it’s like re-potting a fern.  When you begin to divide the roots, you can’t tell where one stops and the other begins.  

 

If we do acknowledge that something takes time, we assume it is a linear progression.  

It is a hard wound to heal.  In other injuries, you begin the process, and although you may have a delay or setback, pretty much you gradually go forward to total healing.  

Then something triggers you…the smell of fresh Copenhagen, or peaches, or diesel, or horsehair.  The first few notes of an old familiar song.  And you are instantly brought back to Ground Zero. 

 

One cliche’ that people often offer is “Time heals all wounds”.

I beg your pardon.

It.

Does.

Not. 

There are some losses we will feel as long as we are on this side of glory.  With time and grace, we can handle it better.  I learned to be thankful for the 9,797 days I was blessed to have.  I rejoice in the fact that in each of our children’s bodies, their Daddy’s unique DNA composes half of every single cell.  Little glimpses of his green eyes and lush eyelashes, his side-ways grin, a hint of humor, of resolve, of compassion, a shared memory are all little reminders that they carry him with them.  

 

Another time-related axiom is “One day at a time.”  

This one is true, but I will expand.  Sometimes it is one minute at a time.  Sometimes it’s like “Lord, please hold me together so I don’t fall apart in this checkout line.”  Or “Lord, please give me an answer for this child’s question, when I don’t know ‘WHY, I don’t know ‘HOW’, I don’t know what our next step is, or what our plan is.”   

 

Grief takes TEARS.

There is no shame in crying. God provided crying as a coping mechanism for dealing with deep emotion.  A good cry is healthy for you from time to time. Jesus wept.  I have cried a lot of tears, and you know what the Bible says? That God puts our tears in a bottle.  His heart is touched with our grief. 

 

So, when you are overwhelmed, just cry.  When you begin to tell a story that means a lot to you, it’s okay if tears fall. When you just miss your loved one, cry.  I used to hide in the shower or drive to the creek bottom.  After you cry, wash your face, dry your eyes, and ask the Lord for wisdom and strength to do what needs to be done.  

 

I will say, in retrospect, that if I could go back, I would hold my children close and be more transparent about what I was going through.  I would be more vulnerable.  I would encourage them to be more open about their feelings, their pain and their fears.  These days, I urge widows with young children to seek family counseling and therapy through a solid Christian resource.  I regret that I did not do that.  But you can’t do better until you know better.  I did what I could with what I had.  I told mine, “This is not the life we wanted, but it is the life we have. There is really no need to ask ‘Why’ because it is what it is.  Your Daddy did not complain, and he didn’t give up, so we are not going to complain, and we are not going to give up.  Giving up is not in our vocabulary.” I was struggling myself and that narrative was what I needed to power through. Looking back, I should have been more aware, more intuitive, more sensitive to their young perceptions.  So, if you find yourself walking my path, gather your children into your arms and tell them, ” I know you are in pain.  I know you are confused. I know you have questions, and I don’t have all the answers.  But the Lord loves us and cares for us, and he will bring us through this valley.”

 

Surviving Grief takes TRUTH.

The third T is the beautiful one, the shining star. The truth is you have not lost your loved one.  The truth is you know where they are.  You don’t have them with you every day, but they still exist; their souls and spirits are with the Lord until he raises our bodies incorruptible and we all join him. The best truth of all is that God, who CANNOT lie, has promised that when we pass away, we are gathered to our loved ones. We WILL see our loved ones again in a land that knows no parting.  

 

There is a lesson in the story of Job that speaks to me.  Job lost everything.  His flocks, his herds, and his 10 children (seven sons and three daughters).  Job 42:10 relates, “And the LORD turned the captivity of Job, when he prayed for his friends: also, the LORD gave Job twice as much as he had before.”  Verses 12-13 say, “So the Lord blessed the latter end of Job more than his beginning: for he had fourteen thousand sheep, and six thousand camels, and a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand she asses.  He had also seven sons and three daughters.”  His flocks and herds doubled.  Did you ever notice and wonder why he only received 10 more children?  The answer is simple: his other ten children still exist in heaven.  So, while Job did not get to enjoy their fellowship any more this side of heaven, when he died and was gathered to his loved ones, those loved ones were included in that group.  

 

I hope that this has been an encouragement to you.  Next, I will share some useful tools that have helped me.

 

Until then, grow in grace.

Sandra